SA PANAHON NG SOBRANG PAG-IISIP

here i am thinking of what ifs? strange is that i am thinking what if this is what is meant to be for me? to be without you...to be by myself? i ask myself now ...why? for what reason?

Am I in a state of confusion again? Am I in a state of neurosis again?

What do I really feel now? I am tired, yes I am. I long for a long night sleep. I long for peace. I long for sanity. Yes, I've stopped thinking and learned to accept reality. Yes, I've stopped asking why and learned to accept that some things just happen because they ought to be. Some things just end because they ought to end at some point. Some people just can't stay because they ought to move on. When they do, is it right for me to feel a certain loss? Is it right for me to feel a certain emptiness in me.

Today, the person who became my anchor, my guardian angel, has gone spreading his wings. I wanted to ask why he has gone to a place where I cannot follow? The last few days with him has been the finest. I felt a certain joy I never felt for a long time. This time, I didn't hear the sound of goodbye. Today, I didn't feel the fear of losing a loved one. Today, I didn't feel I had to let go. Today, I learned I am capable of loving. Today, I know I am right in believing, we all have our own lives. That we cannot depend our happiness on other people. So today, I know it will be hard to go on every single day without you. I got used to having you with me everyday. I will miss doing a lot of things with you. But since you've taught me that I have to learn to think about myself and I have to learn to do things for myself, from today moving forward, I will be fine.

I still cry. I still let tears flow. I still let myself feel a certain pain. But today, as tears run down my face, I feel a certain strength. I feel a certain hope. I feel love. I feel life. I thank you.

Yes, I still long to be with you. I still wish to have you in my arms again. I still wish to feel the warmth of your touch. I still dream to feel the sweetness of your kiss. I know if I have just a day left, I'd still love to spend it with you. Then I know I can say i had a fulfilling life and I can die a peaceful death.

I cannot thank you enough but if I have just a few words to say it would be thank and I do love you. More than anything, I thank you for coming to my life. You have shown me how beautiful life can be that I am so scared to disappoint you. I am so scared to let you see me now, crying and weak again. You have taught me that life can be simple yet complex. I don't know how you do it, but you made me feel so good about myself. You taught me when to be true to myself. You taught me how to fight. You helped me stand on my own. You helped me not by giving but by helping me see that all the strength and all the love I need, I have in me. You helped me see me and nobody has ever done that for me.

I don't know who you are and why you've come to my life but you came just when I needed you most. I was lost and insecure, you picked me up.

If I have to say why I love you, I love you because you made me love me. If I have to say why I need you, I need you because I love you.

So today, you go. Move on. Don't worry about me. You may have left my side but you never left me empty. I will be here, filled with all the love, the guidance, the care, the courage and the hope that on the day your wings would bring you back to me, I have become the person you want me to be. Then, you can smile and rest and say job well done.

"Don't Stop Dancing" By CREED

At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light
A silver lining sometimes isn't enough
To make some wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings
I've been through everything
And now I'm on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way

[Chorus:]
Children don't stop dancing
Believe you can fly
Away...away

At times life's unfair and you know it's plain to see
Hey God I know I'm just a dot in this world
Have you forgot about me?
Whatever life brings
I've been through everything
And now I'm on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many feel this way

[Chorus]

Am I hiding in the shadows?
Forget the pain and forget the sorrows

Here's to the girls who used to be his number one.

The ones who waited all night for him to text, only to check your cell phone the next morning and be disappointed.
The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened.
Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going.
The ones who listened to him say, "I only want to be your friend", one day, then listened to him say that he loves and misses you, and the next when he doesn't want to be anything at all.
Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.

We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, and even snuck around to see him even for a while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us.

Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days.
Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated.

Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest everything, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today.
The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again.

This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if".

This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation.
The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with.

This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "You're just not the one for me." or maybe, "things were going too fast, I'm just not ready." (Then later on find out he has a damn girlfriend already.)

Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt.
The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again.
This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on,(hahaha) for fear of an "I told you so."
The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again.

We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us when ever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that.
Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave one thought about them.
Here's for the time that he took to waste, breaking your heart ... again.

This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment.
Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better.
This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist.
Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt all over again. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When your song comes on the radio, turn the station.
When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door.

Think of all the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the HELL he was.
Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to.

One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will.
It's gonna hurt like hell, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.

" Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self esteem, is capable of love -- because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone. " -- Ayn Rand

When my relationship with my almost 4yr boyfriend was falling apart because of another girl whom I would say really lured her to something new...a comment from friends really made me think..."mahalin mo ang sarili mo".

At that time, I was doing everything I could to save the relationship. I became extra sweet, extra caring, extra understanding; I did everything with extra effort. I did I could and I tried all the approach I know. I ate all my pride. I beg for time and affection. I beg for him to stay. I justified that as "i'm doing this for myself..this is how i love myself. I wanted to be able to do everything to fight for the relaionship.” All those failed.

Next approach, I still beg. I begged for him to leave. That was the most painful. I do not live in a Bourgeois or aristoctratic family but I can say I am educated. My friends were telling me tell him to leave. Pack his clothes and change your locks. I found that very low. I know we can talk about things in a nice way. Separation doesn't have to be nasty. That approach, I succeeded. He left. I couldn't find the words to describe the pain and the emptiness I felt then.

So, that has been more than a year. They say, I haven't gotten any better. I haven't moved on. I wouldn't deny. It has been difficult to answer the question that failed relationship left me with.

It ended not with goodbye but with the statement "You have always been there for me. I want to start a new life."

What the hell is wrong with our life? Now that it's just MY LIFE, what the hell is wrong with it?

People have been psychoanalyzing me. I've heard a lot. I've been told by an inconsistent suitor that I am not a girlfriend material. Adding insult to injury? In fairness, I appreciated his explanation. Because at that time he knew I only needed a friend and not a suitor or a boyfriend because I was still in pain. So, to you my inconsistent suitor, my " he's everything you want, he's everything you need, he says all the right things at exactly the right time but he means nothing to you and you don't know why", THANK YOU.

And when I thought I was ready to be SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE, I was told yes I am not a girlfriend material, I am a wife material. I will make my man very happy. Oh, but the man who told me that is taken. Too bad, really sad.

So what's wrong? Am I capable of loving? Can I say I have firm, consistent and uncompromising values? Can I say I value myself?

I have always believed, in my times of desperation and suicidal hate, an angel is being sent to me. Yes, at this time of loneliness, angels are being sent to me. And I am learning the virtue of selfishness.

With all the temptations and with a lot of men not understanding how it means to be faithful; how it means to love and respect their woman, I can play desperate. But no, I am learning to value myself now.

I am not desperate and I am not looking for somebody willing. I am single and I need someone who can be there for me. I have to be patient I know. I cannot settle for someone willing to satisfy temporary desires. I cannot settle for sex. I need someone to make love with. I need someone whom I can be happy with, who can give me joy without the feeling of guilt.

So what was wrong? Why am I single?

I know how to love or I can say I know how I can make the other feel they are loved. I would do everything for a friend. I can give up everything for a partner. Yet, why am I single and why am I alone? The burden of expectation killed me. I know what can make another person happy and I expect them to do the same. But, I learned reality the hard and painful way. Everyone has a life of their own. Everyone's interest is to pursue their happiness. All my life I had the need to be accepted. I depend my happiness on making other people happy to the extent of being contented knowing they are happy with another and that the other can give them what I cannot. Was I playing a martyr? No. I know I am not.

Still I am not capable of loving...yet...until I've searched my life...until I am complete.

Will I be searching for it alone or with someone? That is the next question yet to be answered…